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FILTH
1. Don't shower
2. Don't shave.
3. Don't brush your teeth.
4. Don't come near us.
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FRESHLY SHAVED
1. Show the Scoutmaster a freshly shaved patch of of your skin.
2. If you have none, shave a patch of your skin in the presence of the Scoutmaster.
3. Feel the burn.
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GLITTER
Glisten, glimmer, gleam, sparkle, shimmer or shine. And we don't mean your personality. |
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IMPRESSIVE NUDITY
1. Be in the possession of so-fine-they're-unholy physical assets.
2. Give us a peek.
3. Thank you.
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THE PURPLE CIRCLE
Awarded to those who show exceptional skill in sustaining injury and enduring pain.
1. Present to the Scoutmaster a fresh bruise, cut, or otherwise wound.
2. Let the Scoutmaster poke it with a stick.
3. Wince, and remember: injuries are achievements!
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RAG
For those scouts courageous enough to brave the playa in the company of their monthly visitor.
1. Prove your menses by revealing one of the following:
Edge of in-use pad, dangling string, or soilt panty.
2. Collect your consolation prize and a hug.
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ACID
Ingest at least one tab of lysergic acid diethylamide, or a commensurate amount of the substance in liquid form. Then, in the presence of a Scoutmaster, select any two of the following:
1. Fly
2. Understand
3. Ask the Scoutmaster how much longer this is gonna last.
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ECSTASY
Ingest not less than 100 milligrams of MDMA. Then, in the presence of the Scoutmaster:
1. Enjoy hair.
2. Groove in place.
3. Say you love the Scoutmaster, you really do, and you never tell the Scoutmaster enough, but it's true, the Scoutmaster is just a really amazing person.
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MUSHROOMS
Ingest enough "magic" mushrooms until you are nestled firm in the welcoming bosom of Mama Nature. Then, in the presence of the Scoutmaster, select two of the following:
1. Provide a method by which mushrooms can be ingested, but not tasted.
2. Draw or describe your spirit guide or animal familiar.
3. Note one-ness of universe. Promise to explain to friends later.
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NITROUS
Inhale one or more balloons full of dentist-grade nitrous oxide gas, until the world disappears. Then, in the presence of your Scoutmaster:
1. Fall down.
2. Get up.
3. Fall down again.
Laughter -- both the Scoutmaster's and your own -- should be hearty and continuous throughout.
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POT
Inhale or ingest an amount of cannabis sativa plant sufficient to render you lit. Then, in the presence of your Scoutmaster:
1. Smoke some more.
2. Look at stuff. Explain why it's funny.
3. Lick out crumbs and powder from the bottom of a Doritos bag.
4. Lose train of thought, or... is that a... what? Sorry. Do you hear sirens?
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LUDDITE
Being primitive sorts, Scouts fear technology. And what they fear, they tend to attack. Therefore:
1. Present to the Scoutmaster a piece of high-tech equipment.
Cell-phones preferred.
2. Destroy it thoroughly using any means at your disposal, or
3. Stand FAR back and let your Scoutmasters at it.
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PORKBAITER
For Scouts who have a problem with authority, i.e. all Scouts.
1. Break the law.
2. Get caught.*
3. Present police citation to Scoutmaster to receive your badge.
* Have an attorney's phone number handy. Scoutmasters will not accept collect calls from Gerlach holding cells, nor will they admit to having any idea of who you are or what you're talking about.
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PYROMANIA
Because we're the Burning Scouts and it's called Burning Man.
1. See that? Burn it. That too. Now laugh.
2. Burn some U.S. currency.
3. Do that Vietnamese Monk thing.
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UNFOCUSED RAGE
1. Be a human time bomb, just waiting to blow.
2. Mumble, grit teeth, clench fists, shuffle.
3. When asked "How are you?" reply "I'm fine." Don't mean it.
4. Finally get pushed over the edge by random event.
5. Deliver a rant of no less than two minutes in duration in which you rail against "all the bastards" who caused "this stinking mess." Detail what you'll do to "them" once you get your hands on them.
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DISCIPLINE
Burden yourself with enough sin that you are in dire need of severe discipline. Then:
1. Go to the Temple of Atonement, just north of Burning Scout HQ. Be sure to tell 'em the Scouts sentcha!
2. Receive your punishment.
3. Present your stamped flesh to the Scoutmaster.
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HOMOSEXUALITY
Select three of the following:
1. Recount or imagine aloud a Scouting-related homoerotic experience.
2. Submit to your Scoutmaster's "gaydar test."
3. Neck like you mean it with a member of your own gender. Make it count.
4. Present to the Scoutmaster a similarly-chromosomed human. Describe in detail the fantastic qualities of his/her ass.
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SODOMY
1. Research the history of sodomy, tracing it from its genesis in Biblical myth to its current place in modern western society. Submit to the Scoutmaster a fully annotated five-page essay on the subject, or a 10-minute oral presentation incorporating audio-visual media (overheads, slides, dioramas, performed skits or playlets) to illustrate your points. Be sure to provide examples of how sodomy benefits you in your daily life and expound on the role sodomy plays in effective family-building. Or...
2. Perform some serious unnatural shit on someone's ass.
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TEASE
This badge is awarded to flirts. Select one or more of the following:
1. Make a date with your Scoutmaster. Don't keep it. (Leave your camp address so we may messenger you your badge)
2. Stop at second base.
3. Let the Scoutmaster buy you another drink.
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TONGUESPORTS
Illustrate the value of this, the best muscle in the human body, by selecting one or more of the following:
1. Demonstrate for the Scoutmaster a dextrous tongue skill.
2. Put your tongue someplace where it does not typically go.
3. Participate in Gigsville's Great Candian Beaver Eating Contest.
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TURNING JAPANESE
In the presence of the Scoutmaster:
1. Demonstrate the ancient art of Onanism. Done correctly, this will turn you Japanese.
2. If you are already Japanese, congratulations, you're halfway there.
3. Come. (Badge awarded upon satisfactory completion only.)
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GOOD HUMOR
Woo, it's hot. You there! Yeah you, the Scout. Want a badge? Okay then:
1. Find some ice cream and hand it over.
2. Or wait, make it an ice cold beer or soda. Blended tropical drinks also nice.
3. Or you could just fan your Scoutmaster for a while, occasionally misting her half-naked body with cool sprays of water. Your water.
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LAP-DANCING
1. Demonstrate, to the Scoutmaster's satisfaction, a lap-dance.
2. The Scoutmaster may not touch you. But you are strongly encouraged to touch the Scoutmaster.
3. Bring a friend. We've got lots of these badges.
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MASSAGE
Provide your Scoutmaster with a relaxing massage of not less than five minutes during which he or she moans softly at least three (3) times.
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PIZZA
If you can think of a food more perfectly satisfying than hot, melty pizza, we demand you find it and bring it to us. Until then:
1. Find some pizza and bring it to us.
2. They make pizza at The Pizza Factory in Fernley, NV. Take 447 south 128 miles to US 50 Alt, and turn left. Go three miles, then look for 1320 Highway 40 East. (775)575-4548.
3. No anchovies.
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SHOWER ASSIST
If a Scout must shower, he prefers to have a slave--excuse me, "Scout"--on hand to help out.
1. Moisten a naked Scoutmaster's body with *warm* water.
2. Lather the Scoutmaster. Rinse. Repeat.
3. Don't forget behind the genitals--excuse me, "ears."
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LARRY
Be Larry Harvey.
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PERPETUAL MOTION MACHINE
Build and demonstrate the operation of a perpetual motion machine.
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FUCKWIT
1. You total moron! That was the single most stupid thing I've ever seen anyone do. You coulda got yourself killed!
2. Way to go. Here's your badge.
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INTERPRETIVE DANCE
A good Scout has the physical grace of a beached trout and the creativity of same. Demonstrate your literal-mindedness and utter lack of dexterity by:
1. Listening briefly to a song of the Scoutmaster's choosing.
2. Improvise an interpretive dance routine to the music.
3. Extra points for spinning, air-guitaring, shameless mugging and/or falling down.
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MARVIN K. MOONEY
1. Will you please go now?
2. Just go, go, go.
3. We don't care how.
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SELF-LOATHING
Have sex with a Scoutmaster.
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QUITTER
For those bold few with the fortitude to see an endeavor through to the middle.
1. Give up. It's useless.
2. Burn your uniform and any previously-earned badges.
3. We're proud of you. Now leave.
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A demerit badge is bestowed upon a Burning Scout when he or she has demonstrated proficiency in a Scouting-related field. The badge is a symbol of Scout pride. It says, "Look what I have accomplished. Look what I can do. Look how dangerous I am. I am completely on edge. I am a lunatic, and should be terminated with extreme prejudice. Go on, copper--take a shot."
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