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 The Burning Scouts were founded in 1889 by Lucas Handlebar, our nation's first pornographer, "As a means of enculturating the youth of Black Rock City to the pleasures of sloth and decadence."
Lucas established the Scouts with a nest egg of $20, swiped off a half-dead wino in an alley near Vegas. Investing in a shady backwoods poker game, he quickly won himself a dozen orphaned Quaker boys -- the first Burning Scouts. Alone in the Black Rock desert with no one to hear their cries of pain and moans of pleasure, Lucas quite literally whipped these upright youths into a motley gang of grouchy laggards with a taste for free love, malt liquor and long weekends. Success! For years the Scouts remained a small, intimate group, content to sit around giving each other the finger and occasionally blowing up cars. That changed when, during the 25th annual Burning Scout Ether Sweat Lodge, Lucas hallucinated decapitation at the hands of a wrathful Susan B. Anthony, and spontaneously decided to open his organization to women. From the ensuing co-ed orgies came a veritable flood of Scout spawn. Now there are Burning Scout troops all over the world, particularly in strife-torn areas where life and drugs are cheap, like Dallas. But every summer those few Scouts sober enough to steal a vehicle make their way back to Black Rock City to enlist new recruits and have sex with them. Um, this is the part where you ask us back to your tent. |
Lucas lived what he preached. Averse to washing and particularly distrustful of maids, he spent his days lazily smashing liquor bottles in his backyard, and his nights hunkered down between the thighs of one or several of his many dozen voluptuous wives. In middle age his interests shifted to men, specifically *young* men, with whom he enjoyed drinking 16-ounce cans of warm beer and practicing sodomy until he got it right.