The Burning Scout ideals, or rather lack thereof, are spelled out in the Scout Oath, the Scout Law, the Scout motto, and the Scout slogan. The Burning Boy Scout measures himself against these ideals, then gets out a ruler and measures his penis. Burning Girl Scouts, having no penis, measure themselves by the number of hearts they can break in the course of single cocktail hour. The main goals, of course, are to be high, to lose control, and to try the patience of squares through all manner of base behavior.










On my honor I will do my best:
To burn things and make pretty fire and to break all laws at all times;
To keep myself in a near-constant state of total inebriation;
And to sleep when I can
Preferably with a sexy naked person
Who is financially wealthy and morally bankrupt.


A BURNING SCOUT IS:

UNTRUSTWORTHY

A scout lies. Through his teeth. Even when it is completely unnecessary to do so, like when you ask him the color of the sky and he says “olive.” No one can depend on a Burning Scout, so they leave him alone.

DISLOYAL

A Scout answers to no one. Not her goddamned know-it-all Father, or her overprotective Mother, or her rat fink bastard friends and certainly not those closet nazi bigots at school. As for national leaders, yeah, right, go smoke another bowl. Just keep your distance and no one will get hurt.

SELF-CENTERED

A Scout cares deeply about three people: Me, myself and I. As for the rest of you, a Burning Scout will be happy to help out, so long as there's cash, sex or dope in it for him.

STAND-OFFISH

Being naturally distrustful, the Burning Scout prefers not to have friends. She much prefers sitting alone in her basement apartment, listening to Velvet Underground tapes and waiting for her smack dealer to come around with a fix.

IMPOLITE

It is physically impossible for a Scout's lips to form the words “please” “thank you” or “you're welcome.” He slurps his soup. He is impatient with the elderly and says things to them like, “Get a move-on, oldie, before I break your hip.” The Scout wipes his shoes on the tablecloth. The little unspoken rules that keep society from fragmenting into chaos are, to the Burning Scout, ripe for the breaking.

   MEAN

A Burning Scout punches first and asks questions later. Usually the first question is, “When do I get to punch again?” A Scout is a pit bull crossed with a time bomb, ready to go off if you look at her funny. She fills a valuable role in society -- that of the dangerous sociopath. Without her, there would be no therapists, and no juvenile prisons.

DISOBEDIENT

A Scout doesn't do what he's told. He does the opposite. Unless he gets the feeling that you're telling him to do one thing *because* you want him to do the opposite. He's much too quick to fall for that one, smartass.

PESSIMISTIC

The Scout's glass is not merely half-empty, it is completely empty because the bottom of the glass has cracked, and no liquid can ever again be contained in that glass. For the Scout, the light at the end of the tunnel is the bright flash that indicates detonation of a nuclear device. He knows each day brings him closer to death.

COWARDLY

Burning Scouts do not hold their ground in a fight. Burning Scouts flee to Canada.

FILTHY

Burning Scouts forget to wash, because they're having too much fun rolling around in the ashes of stuff they've burned. A Burning Scout's mind is dirty, too, from all the pornography.

IRREVERENT

Burning Scouts are hilarious. Sometimes unintentionally -- like when they fall flat on their face they're so wasted -- but mostly because they are armed with acerbic rapier wits that skewer sacred cows into sacred kebabs. They enjoy cutting weaker-minded victims down to size, especially when the victims are too large to be punched.

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